I can't breathe out the right side of my face
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?
Def drinking wine from a 4 liter jug at 11 am. If i call you in 20 years talking about 12 steps, please trace is back to this moment.
We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
Dude I woke up and he was pissing in the corner on his clothes... I called his name an he replied " I got this" and continued.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
do you ever wish you could like, jerk your heart off and be, like, emotionally satisfied? it'd feel like cuddling.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
walk of shame. I'm wearing my rain jacket over my dragon costume. My tail keeps dragging in the rain.
So I'm pretty sure I told every one at the party that "I'm going to fuck my pillow pets tonight?"
I complemented his smile, he sends me a dick pic. Seriously?
If sleeping with your boss doesnt scream job security i dont know what does.
He just took off his shirt. I'll text you later.
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