I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
Is it a step in the wrong direction to ask my parents for a kegerator for graduation?
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
Yeah. He can't come because his mom found the pizza box under his bed with my underwear in it. He acted confused, guess because i forgot to tell him..
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
Brian got his first ever blow job last night. We should make him a scrapbook.
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
The uberlube is also flammable
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Drunk field day, hangover yoga and sober archery practice
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Randomize
