Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
I was the one passing out cake at the bars
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
Trying to decide who to DD on the fourth and I came up with a Who's who of guys I've hooked up with in the last month. Not an ideal situation, but I have a feeling it's gonna happen anyway.
He knocked me in the face with the phone during my light show. Didn't even feel it. Ecstasy is amazing
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
I convinced her that there were two p's in Chipotle - the 2nd one was silent.
Hey, it's Valentine's Day weekend and were single and off our periods. Let's live like queens.
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
It started off with wine and ended up with me in only my pearls and heels. It was about the classiest sexual experience I've ever had.
Randomize
