I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.
I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.
I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed
You did a strip tease for the toilet.
Maybe not, but you have to admit watching him get hit by the car was gratifying
I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.
Jesus these cramps...it's like every potential fetus I swallowed last night is personally punching me in the uterus
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
The zoom feature on snap chat videos is the worst thing to ever happen to sexting
I ate too many pot brownies and passed out topless with my boobs painted like the American flag
Instead of texting me to come over, she just sends me a batman symbol.
I don't care if she's a booty call. Marry her.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
