The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Exactly. Because my vagina can't be consoled with words. It requires a thicker form of communication
Apparently he took me home and I pulled up my senior pictures on fbook and made him guess what I was thinking during each different pose.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
So scratching an ex marines beard, telling him "nice hairy pussy." then when he opens his mouth to respond, I started fingering his mouth. Needless to say was a horrible idea
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You kept chewing on the empty milk carton and saying "kitty" over and over again. It was an interesting night.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I've pulled 4 ticks off of me. This is the last time I suck dick in the wild.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
OH DEAR GOD IT GOT IN MY MOUTH AGAIN HELP
Randomize
