I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall
Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.
I'm blaming hurricane Irene if I get pregnant tonight.
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I TOOK A FINGER IN THE BUTT YOU CAN OPEN THIS MESSAGE
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
you don't need to worry about using proper grammar if you're asking for the size of his dick.
Randomize
