i'm in his phone as sushi coochie
Gotta love hanging with Nat. By the time guys realize she isnt going home with them, they've spent enough money and time to think I'm a good idea.
I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
when the officer asked him if he had been drinking, he just goes, "yeah, you?" then falls onto the table.
Dave when you find that upper decker at your house its from me but its for Jill not you
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
I just instagramed a picture of an ostrich in case you were wondering what I did with my night
And let me tell you, getting your ass waxed is the weirdest fucking experience.
What is it about fresh air and wanting to talk about penises
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Give me one good reason why I should go with you.
Free beer.
..pick me up at 8.
Randomize
