turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
He came and then made the Jim Halpert face. does that say disappointment or what
we were going to warn you, but we veto-ed that idea somewhere between "this is the stupidest thing we've ever done" and "let's order a pizza"
My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Wait. Wine + Crossbow..?
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
Its like drunk me is Oprah except instead of a car everyone's award is seeing my boobs
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
Woke up to find that I was cock blocked by no more than three people.
Randomize
