I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
Nothing says "I support my fellow man" like taking your friends recently divorced dad to a strip club and bar hopping with us to get him laid by an upgrade.
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
I've spent my afternoon dipping strawberries in DayQuil if that's any indication of where I'm at in life.
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
