So I just had this crazy idea, and no it has nothing to do with the fact that they made me take shots at work.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
even my farts smell like vagina
She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
THAT DOESN'T MEAN YOU SHOULD LET ME CHUG VODKA.
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
I left when you were using your mug to lay on the street and ask for spare change
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
He also ordered me a vibrator last week, so the flowers kind of balance it out
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
He paid for a 5 star hotel suite and I raided the mini bar after he left. I think that’s bad karma. Want some pringles?
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
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