I'd wear matching sweaters with you
watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
He called me while he was having sex and asked if I wanted to go get mcdonalds
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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