ad ew i am wasted whats my problem
very cute, but more "I wanna put you in my pocket and keep you as a pet" and less "please bang me" type of cute.
you're out of your mind
you look like daphne blake and he looks like fozzie bear
it's like he rubbed a lamp and wished you into existence
You were so high at Ikea last night that you were convinced you could speak Swedish. The whole the time you were our navigator and when we got to the cashier you were hitting on the lady. When she gave you her number you told her you were saving her number as Inglfurfta cuaue she must be swedish since she works there.
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He would stand there for a few seconds with a blank look on his face then randomly start running full sprint towards macdonalds. We'd catch him and he'd promise to stop so we'd let him go and he'd do it again.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Randomize
