i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
Um, I don't really remember much about the event... and then I woke up on the metro..
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I walked around with red solo cups on my feet, weeds tied around my neck and a tree in my hand
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
Which emoticons convey sympathy for sleeping with someones bf ??
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
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