I tried booty calling last night but apparently he was too tired and wants to meet up tonight. I told him planning defeats the purpose.
connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
No sorry. I may be a happy drunk but my gag reflux is an angry drunk.
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
Heyyyy, naked guy in your kitchen, can i ask you a quick question about a legal situation in pb??
Randomize
