At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
It was good sex. She was screaming so much I didn't know whether or not my name was Matt or God.
I'm going to fuck him so hard that his dick is going to fracture
Glad to see your being a lady about this
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just remembered that he had fake blood all over his face last night. I woke up with it all over my dick. He was 50. Please don't judge me.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
I should not be this drunk in a place where a girl is wearing a princess dress
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I think i got my first booty call. it was like she came to my house. sex. leave.
Congratulations. Welcome to the wonderful world of quick dirty secret sexy time.
thanks... i think. haha
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
Randomize
