then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
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you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
She's clinging to me like a horny koala.
It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
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Woke up backwards on a recliner
I'm sexting at my family's 4th of July BBQ and I feel no shame....
Its one thing to reject me, but to reject me AND my hottest friend AT THE SAME TIME!?!?
It really hurts to walk. Any idea what happened to my hip?
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
I think my stomach is breaking up with me. It's giving me back everything I ever gave it.
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