I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
i don't really know how much tequila is too much
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
She is high at the bar - she thinks the bottle of frangelico is aunt jemima telling her to stop doing drugs.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
we are still finding bottels filled with his pee. tom almost drank the one in the frig
Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?
Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.
I just took two shots of Burnerts out of a ladle. Get here now.
you said you wanted to call me grandma and give me hugs
Dude, who WASN'T thinking of motorboating her?
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
Randomize
