you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.
Just because you're using the Hipstamatic app for your nude photo taking, it doesn't make your drunken blowjob pics any classier.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
The only thing worse than being hungover is being hungover and not able to open your mouth wide enough to eat a cheeseburger
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
Poking every semi-decent guy on Facebook in the hopes that one of them will want to hook up with me tonight. So far all i've accomplished is 5 new poke wars which i will most certainly continue after this weekend.
i swear to god it was like we were fucking in 9 dimensions
shut up and let me use my vagina as a weapon of self destruction in peace!
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
I'm drunkenly throwing popcorn at a spider, fuck him. Why does his scary 8 legs get to be happy?
Get the fuck in, we're going to Taco Bell.
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