made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
why is there a picture of someone wearing Tevas with socks taped on the wall?
i just sent this text using only my big toe
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
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Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I've never had a woman show me her venereal disease results in a bar before.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
you duct taped a twenty to your thigh just in case and passed out.
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
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You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
how fucking stupid do you have to be to think I'm going to accept your friend request months after falling asleep during one night stand sex?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
I know it's going to be a good day because he didn't notice the bite mark on my butt.
He sang a ten minute song about me sitting on his face and eating quesadillas. Pretty sure I have to marry him.
still can't believe dude took a personal call while he was balls deep in my mouth.
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