I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Gosh I haven't been pantsless in front of anyone for a while. It's time for me to pick up my game. We need a party. I need some rum.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
please remind me of this if i ever start out a night declaring my goal is to see how much american honey it takes for me to forget who i am again
It's not above me to sleep with him solely for his authentic budweiser shirt
Three Decembers later, I'm looking at this fuckin Santa lingerie I bought and just realized my stocking never got stuffed....
Sitting naked in my bed eating leftover Mexican food drinking coors light.. Can it get any more single than this?
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
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