Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
we just ha sex. he lasted two minutes. i told him to leave because i had class
isnt today saturday?
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I had to have my mom pick me up from the party and the windows lock was on so when I went to projectile vomit out the window it wouldn't roll down and it splashed back at my face.
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
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