Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.
I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
There's always time for handjobs
July 5th AKA Day of regret AKA picnicing in a laundromat. Someone puked allover the comforter. Liffe of champions.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
Randomize
