so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
I'm worried someone is gonna take a black light to my work computer. But the connection is faster here.
i wish peter jackson would direct porn
not my fault. i got her to believe he wrote an oasis song. he still managed to find a way to make sure no girl ever gets near his penis.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
So I guess I passed out face first on the ground while trying to grill last night
I'm glad you have such faith in my ability to find the worst situations with my vagina.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
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