The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
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Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
I'm over my straight phase. They all turned out to be idiots and none of them got me off. I'm going back to hot girls with strap ons.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
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Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
whose shirt was i wearing?
his little sister's
what was she wearing
a feather boa and 6 inch heels
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