Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If you really hate me that much, you need to stop letting me put my penis inside of you. It sends the wrong message.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
My mom just said we needed to put weed into our earthquake kit.
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
You know its going to be a good day when you have to brush your teeth out of a cup in your room using the vodka and water mixture in your fridge because you're locked out of your restroom
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
this vacation is helping with my sexual bucket list so much. threesome, deaf guy, and outdoor sex all accomplished.
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