Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.
Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze
well let's see. after you forcefully shoved a half-eaten apple in my mouth, you ruined the pepsi by dumping an entire beer in there.
this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
You dont lie about slip and slides
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
we all thought you were asleep. he found you an hour later sitting outside in the snow lighting a bowl, singing the CatDog theme song, and hugging a box a Franzia.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
Wake up. Smoke. Masturbate while eggos cook. Go back to bed. Smoke. Body spray shower. Beer with breakfast. Class. Morning of a champion.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
Randomize
