I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
I love sluts.
I end my prayers with that every single night.
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
Someone shattered a urinal.
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
look, im sorry that i yelled at your little brother, threw my car keys at him and smashed a stale cookie with a pool cue, but i swear to god i didn't poop on the floor. it was one of your dogs.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Come to my place after work and we can discuss our finances over a coors delight and a fire ball shot
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