Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
come over anyways, right now, right this second
it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying
wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation
every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
But seriously who drew a dick on a tortilla and nailed it to the door?
Dude. My knees have no hair on them and they're bruised. My thigh is killing me. I have about 1000 texts to about 5 exes which I horribly regret. I have pictures of my own penis on my phone. I can't find my iPad. And I have work in an hour.
Too bad Amazon Prime wouldn't get the wine bra flask to you in time. Concealed alcohol and huge tits? Win-win.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
It's always appealing to be able to say to someone "I banged your mom"
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
Randomize
