The worlds most fuckable chipmunk
? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?
jesus mom
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I don't want anything to do with the Darth Vader stripper babe. I'm just trying to make dreams come true.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I literally walked into the toilet, looked at my reflection, said "alcohol" and went back to bed...
My roommate randomally bought me two bags of pretzels. Worst "Sorry you can hear me fucking my boyfriend everynight" gift ever.
Randomize
