were you the shorter or taller girl out of you two
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I feel like I'm in a development meeting for a Lifetime original movie.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
and then I partied with my new dealers deaf pit bull. All around a good night I'd say...
how don't worse things happen to you?
Just woke up in a Price Chopper bathroom stall with a half eaten cake on the floor. Had to get a ride from the waitress I made out with. What happened to "Don't let me drink Tequila?"
I lied.
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
