i wish there were pregnant emoticons
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
why is my clorox wipe dispenser full of tortillas?
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.
DUDE!!!!! THERE IS A MIDGET HANDING OUT RICE KRISPIE TREATS!!!!!! WHERE ARE YOU WHEN THE COOL SHIT GOES DOWN???????
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
she is legit trying to fuck me to death between her and work i haven't slept in 3 days and have at least 16 hours to go before sleep is a possibility. can i crash at your place she doesnt know where you live
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
Randomize
