If i see another girl turn you down you should either turn gay or just kill yourself
So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
The George Foreman grill is melted. I don't know what other problems could arise.
This has to be the weirdest conversation I've ever had sober and in the middle of the day before.
I made the last cup in beer pong off the dude's hat. I also faintly remember rapping Forever by Drake during said game.
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
So what if is hockey, you don’t turn down sex with a professional athlete. They work out all day and have amazing stamina. Your vagina will thank you!
Randomize
