Just fell off a train. Bad.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
No, he's fine. He only wanted to know why there were traffic pylons in the living room and how the peanut butter got on the ceiling.
You insisted on take shots off of plates.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
I made out with a mom and her daughter and got a black eye, so yeah, my birthday went well
I'm running late...how do you explain period shits to your boss?
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Randomize
