Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I glued a penny on the door Tricia believes its Patrick Swayze haunting our apartment. Fuckin potheads.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
Sorry it's taking so long, it's harder to take an ass pic with an iPad than you think
I have a 30 minute video visit blind date tonight with a guy in prison. And it's costing me $9. ROCK... BOTTOM...
There's a big ass bed, hella ecstasy, and I can guarantee you'll regret every second that you remember.
Randomize
