go do what you do best...puke behind churches
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy
Nevermind. Totally worth it.
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
Some dude with an OSU jersey just kissed him in the face in front of everyone. I should mention he's wearing a Panda costume. And has already been offered $20 for his suit by Plushies for oral sex.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
I was gonna turn him down, but he correctly identified a song from Pocahontas.
Randomize
