No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Dude the little bong I just got fits nicely in the cup holder in my car. The gods approve of my habits.
I just had sex in the footy bunny pajamas my mom bought me for christmas. Tis the season
Yes be both agreed it was the worst sex in the history of fornication, so I asked him to sign the condom wrapper so I could frame it as a reminder to NEVER sleep with him again
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
Randomize
