I will come over but only if I don't have to take my sunglasses off for it
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
If I refrain from fucking my manager, I'm going to reward myself by fucking that guy from the photo department.
the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat
He won't stop licking me..... im choosing your date next time.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
Remember that mom/daughter stripper team? Well i just met the ex husband/father in AA. WOW!!!! WOW....
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
How do you politely tell someone to get out of your house in Russian