Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
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While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
Its like a match made in avoid-eachother-because-we're-antisocial-and-awkward heaven
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
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sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
His roommates came in the room and were throwing snowballs at us while we were hooking up.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
You grabbed my arm, said "I need you" in a very concerned voice and dragged me to the other room where you were blasting Evolution of Beyoncé.
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
I'm only coming over if you have cocaine or a snickers bar