Masturbating after my cheeseburger. It's unavoidable.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.
23 Roommates Share Secrets Their Roomie Thinks They Don’t Know
I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
after she pushed someone down the stairs to get more vodka we lost her for a while and found her on the pole in the garage pouring water on herself
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
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I got punched in the face by a Cowboy last night. Then he bought me a beer cause o convinced security not to kick him out the bar. Start of a fairytale love story? I think so.
And in that, my finest lazy stoner moment, I used my cleavage to hold my bowl steady while I packed it laying down in bed.
He has started theming his dick pics. I have one he sent his duck has a sombrero on. Another a Barbie is riding it.
My entire news feed is ice bucket challenges. I wish there was a hide from feed button like FarmVille
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants