Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
Dude...I'm drunk from Wednesday stilll.
15 Things That Could NEVER Happen Anywhere But the South
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.
i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.
you need to get laid.. and an oil change.
hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye
15 Times “Flight of the Conchords” Made You Feel Better About Being a Twenty-Something
Because if not I was going to quote Ryan Lochte as punishment
Thank god I got my shit together
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
His gf just liked my changed relationship status. She's gonna shit bricks when she finds out he left her for me. Bless her little heart.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.