Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
Those are some awfully high standards for someone of your weight
my being single is dangerous.
basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope
I was talking to some girls while you were falling off your bar stool into the person next to you.
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
For every drunk face picture you send me, I'm gonna send a wholesome family photo.
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
I don't care if we're married you can't just walk into the bedroom with a pizza box expecting to get laid
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
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