Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
But she tried her best to break my penis, so she has a few free passes with me
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I am having the most awesome nonsexual conversation about my vagina right now
Don't worry, I'm taking the best gay radar in the World, my sister's boobs. All guy who is not looking at them, it's fair play for us.
And i have once again masturbated to an amazing soundtrack. what a time to be alive
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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