she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
It's like if you got one of your titties chopped off...think of how much one would miss the other...that's how I feel when we're apart. A tit with no twin.
I think I just got judged by the pizza guy. dude, you deliver fucking pizza. you need rethink YOUR life.
That awful moment when there is no more beer and you find yourself considering tequila and aloe juice.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
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