I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
babies were throwing up all over the place
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
Revenge fucks should not count towards the total number. They're justified.
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love
If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.
we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
I think he's like Cher he's going to live forever but not as scary looking
i ordered what the bartender said was called a pink cock, and kept saying it tastes like a disney princess. thats how my 21st bday went
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