I think my fart just growled at me.
Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Just convinced airport security that im sober. All i do is win.
I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
Sorry but i am wayy to hungover to take mom to her AA meeting.
Wont she be proud, Hailey.
I wish someone would just come knock on my door and fuck me already so that me and my stuffed animals aren't the only ones who see my amazing spring break tan. I'm not getting skin cancer so I can just sit here abstinent.
It's def pee. WHY DO I PEE ON THINGS WHEN I DRINK TEQUILA
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
Randomize
