I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
it hasn't hit me that college is over yet. so far at home, i haven't brushed my teeth, taken off my makeup, or changed clothes before bed.
i told him i was on my period. he said, and i quote "can we not just lay down some newspapers or something?"
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
I have bruises on my ass from her spurs. God bless Texas.
Like sorry you chose to have an attractive girlfriend dude
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
Why is there multiple peanut butter and toasts stuck to the fridge door?
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
I woke up in the bathtub with money shoved down my pants. I must've done something right.
How is it that on the one day I'm just moving my car at 6:30 I get the walk of shame looks but when I come home at 9 am in a torn dress holding heels old ladies smile at me?
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
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