he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Chasing shots by shotgunning beers is not a good idea.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
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