Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
I round house kicked her emotions in the face
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Fast is cars. Home is I now. Drunk yoda me is.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
It was like mission impossible.
but with sex.
Randomize
