why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He was so drunk that he tried to backflip off a baby chair.. How do you think that ended?
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Does making ice cubes at 4 in the morning count as being productive?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
What happened to you last night?
SO. MANY. SHOTS.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Randomize
