I just got stood up by an 18 yr old. fmylife.
Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Its a little weird going to a wedding where I've screwed the bride and my wife has screwed the groom. Great wedding though.
Do you remember me making bird noises at the bartender with some guy at the bar last night?
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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