Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..
I wish "capable of destroying an innocent girl's life" is something I could put on my resume
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?
You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
I was going to ask the people in the kitchen to keep the volume down, but they're cooking pasta at 3 AM and one complimented me on my polka-dot nightgown. They're high. No volume control.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
There's no triumph quite like finally banging your high school boyfriend 6 years later
We were like one big happy Eskimo family.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
