Hey man sorry I got all grabby
I just used my 2 drink stirrers as chopsticks to get a lime out of my drink. I really am Asian.
Either way, he made a blog for his cat.
I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon
We welcome drunken adversity.
With open legs.
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I know, it's just the worst. Also, security almost took the burrito I brought for lunch. I thought I was going to have to pull a Liz Lemon and eat the whole thing before I could go through.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I tried to think of the best possible thing I could do for my 30th birthday, and the finalist is "get a clit ring"
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
