I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Not me. I think "beastiality" sounds pretty classy.
I feel as if I owe my bloodstream some tequila.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?
yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.
My mom just saw the bruise on my chest from the bite mark he left. Played it off that I hit myself w a box of beauty products. She believed me. God I love working retail sometimes.
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
now that I know that you did coke with your mom I can't look at her the same
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
The plane down was full of newly weds and I counted 5 pairs of mile high club members. Actually, one might have been a group membership discount.
I woke up this morning half naked, smelling like an ash tray, with an empty bottle of jack next to me, and now someone named Dora the anal explorer is texting me.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
Randomize
