did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
Note to Self: No matter how horny, turned on or in the moment you are, never go down on your gf after she had soccer practice.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
I was stopped at a light on my way home and a priest threw holy water on my car. Seems fitting after last night.
He had to put his grandma's photo away before I tied him to the bed. She doesn't need to see any of that.
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
Give it up bro. I’m not wearing pants or a bra and only an act of god could change that
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
Randomize
