6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
How am I still drunk? Whoever said breakfast is the most important meal obviously didn't skip dinner and go drinking.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
I woke up on the dog bed, bottle of alcohol still in hand and my thong was hanging off the family portrait.... Yikes
Drunk Jeff aka Dreff thinks he's about 3x cooler than be really is and about 100x better at dancing than he really is
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I'm drunk eating a quesadilla while this kid is tryina come over and I'm just like no. I want the quesadilla.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Randomize
