I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
he quoted the bible to break up with me
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
Its like he got lessons from Jesus on how to use his tongue. And his dick.
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