Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Rocking a Headband at the strip club, because of Rock of Love this shit is like their kryptonite, I smell like stripper butter and back child support.
New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
There is nothing more embarrassing than your birth control alarm going off while in a meeting with your boss and they tell you to take it.
I went commando last night, then accidentally flashed a police van...They acknowledged it.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
So many gingers... It's like a beacon went out that said "this one is ok with red hair"
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
My ex came over to hook up...then I went on a date 2 hours later and got a bj. Single: Finally doing it right.
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I just showed this kid my nipples to work my shift tmw
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
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