Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
i'd fuck the guy who invented dead baby jokes.
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.
He asked if I wanted to "hang out"
A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.
STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!
I feel like if you're funneling natty lights on a Wednesday at 2:30pm at the apartment complex pool during finals week, you probably don't have your priorities straight.
The thought "Ummm which pants am I wearing? ...I *am* wearing pants, right?" just ran through my head. I'm done. So done.
I wanna riverboat gamble on your vaginal waters. Just sayin
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
Randomize
