I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Needless to say they were not happy to find out that we braided their hair together, when one of them woke up needing to puke bad
You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I know it sucks but it's just something that needs to be done though. Like shaving ur pubes or going to the dentist.
nothing like going to the bathroom, running into the wall, thinking its a person and saying"its ok i just had the 4 beers" even the wall knew i was lying
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
I mostly blame me being such a miserable fuck on the fact that I was born on a Monday.
In other news, Justin Bieber has a big dick and that makes me uncomfortable.
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
Also I like oatmeal more than sex.
Randomize
