we're getting ready to take strippers to breakfast. I love my life.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
"Where are you? Where are my keys? What is this guys name again? Why am I wearing two pairs of your pants?"
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
"Nobody needs to know that I have a vibrating butt plug and nobody needs to know that I'm probably gonna start wearing it at work"
Randomize
