I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
we were watching porn and trying to copy the position they were doing now i think my hip is dislocated
just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON
clearly you have your priorities straight
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.
I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Today is a spill-drugs-all-over-myself kind of day.
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
I wanted to give everyone gifts as they left the house... So when your wondering where most of the christmas ornaments are I'm really sorry.
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
