This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy
We ate a mysterious delivered pizza which no one ordered and then the wii wouldn't work so 20 of us watched porn on two laptops. Drunk took the awkward away.
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
I made it with a guy dressed as Mitt Romney. I told him "you can't have my vote, but you can have my body"
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
Don't I can pass these orgasm blushes off as sunburn for much longer...
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
You KNOW it was a good night when you find French fries AND taco remnants in your bra when you get home...
I'm both gender and math confused
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
I just convinced a telemarketer I live in a tree.
What did he say?
He still asked if I want a home security system.
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