my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
